The man will tell you off…

… ok, parents, listen up! When your precious little cherub is jumping all over our bespoke furniture, tipping salt over our tables or tearing up thier napkin because they like the idea of floor confetti, please don’t utter the immortal words “stop it, or the man will tell you off”…. as much as we would love to, we really wont! We cant, its not our place … The next time sweet little bastard child is behaving like a shit, can’t you take the responsibility of telling them off, pretty please.

Two parents and thier small child (around 4 years of age) came to visit last week. Lovely, little chap he was! excellent coordination! “excellent coordination”, that’s an odd thing to comment on, we hear you say… we can confirm his excellent coordination because he managed to ride his bicycle up and down our restaurant leaving the cutest tyre marks on our bastardly difficult floor to clean. We stood and watched, our other patrons sat and watched….. the parents SAT AND WATCHED… glassware and hot food were being taken to and from tables, waitresses were shimmying around the little Matt Hoffman. The BMX bandit managed a few laps before one of our staff said, “sorry young man, you cant ride that in here” The mother, you guessed it, she commented to her child “see, I told you the man would tell you off”!!!! NO!!!! you ignorant big shit, YOU tell your ignorant little shit off! On what planet would anyone think that this was acceptable.

We are both parents so we do understand that sometimes children can be assholes (yup, it is acceptable to call a child an asshole, if the cap fits, they wear it so very well). We are pushing ourselves to be the premier family friendly restaurant for miles and miles around but with that prestigious reputation that we are becoming synonymous with, comes the family diners and with those groups, thier gargoyle children are sure to follow. Don’t misinterpret what we are saying, we want to be the best family joint in town and we appreciate that we cant do it without you, however, please be respectful of our beautiful home, our amazing hard working staff and keep your toe rags in check always, or you may find them in one of Mrs Lovett’s Pies next week…